Jokes and Funny Pictures - Page 2

spongebob · #21 09-27-2007, 12:56 PM

CPR... Southern Style

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The other hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbillies walk slowly back to the bar.

One says to the other, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Trixie · #22 09-27-2007, 03:56 PM

luv this one... gimme more

spongebob · #23 09-27-2007, 03:59 PM

Will do stay tuned

Sun Shine · #24 09-28-2007, 03:13 PM

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off of him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything , that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her Address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said..............

"Clean my house."

Rusty · #25 09-30-2007, 10:00 AM

I swiped this from another site - I thought is was funny.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:!
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop inMilwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

spongebob · #26 09-30-2007, 01:28 PM

They were great.
When I was a fireman years ago there were two signs in the fire house.

YOU LIGHT THEM WE FIGHT THEM (on the house side) and

YOU CRASH WE DASH (on the air craft side)

Trixie · #27 09-30-2007, 02:56 PM

NEVERMIND

spongebob · #28 09-30-2007, 03:26 PM

Sorry again I don't use AOL.. What is it ?

Rusty · #29 09-30-2007, 08:49 PM

spongebob · #30 10-01-2007, 06:48 AM

As they say.. You get what you pay for..

spongebob · #31 10-01-2007, 06:51 AM

Ok this is not a sign, but it was a nice picture...

spongebob · #32 10-01-2007, 05:53 PM

This is a funny sign

Slacker · #33 10-01-2007, 06:48 PM

Slacker · #34 10-02-2007, 09:05 PM

Seen a sign on Rt. 472 today heading to Quarreyville PA.

Yogi Bear
Jelleystone Park
4 1/2 miles

I am not sure of the correct miles, so thats where Yogi lives. Always liked BOO BOO.

spongebob · #35 10-03-2007, 07:49 AM

Naomi · #36 10-03-2007, 01:20 PM

At our other house there is a sign going up the mountain that says Blind Pedestrian Crossing. I always thought that was odd considering it was a highway

spongebob · #37 10-03-2007, 03:11 PM

I've been to this place

spongebob · #38 10-04-2007, 03:11 PM

trickster · #39 10-04-2007, 10:19 PM

Some of my desk favorites:

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Everyone brings joy to the office, some when they enter, some when they leave.

spongebob · #40 10-06-2007, 01:02 PM

Not really a joke, but very interesting

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one
history lesson people don't mind reading